i feel like im losing all my friends.
kayla is moving back home because she couldnt enroll this semester and she couldnt get a job
alyssa is idk what she is but she is acting weird!!! we went out the other night for kaylas last night in town and we werent there more than 20 min she was ready to go because she felt unconfortable and it wasnt her scene. WTF????? we go with her when she wantsa go to the copa or the drag shows and dont bitch i dont like it there, i feel uncomfortable at those things but i make the best out of the situation, and she was drinking, anytime we have gone to the copa or the drag shows i have been the DD cuz dhe wants to drink with her friends, well that makes it even more uncomfortable!!!!! and she was drunk off her ass friday night so wat its not your scene and bc all ur gay friends arent there, it wasnt like any1 was doing anything to make her feel uncomfortable every1 was minding their own business and having a good time watching the band. the other day she flipped out on me bc i didnt wanna drive to the copa because i had class at 8 the next morning and am trying to do better this semester, we were gunna go the week before but then got snowed in and couldnt and then the next week she asked and i said no i dont feel like it i wanna go to bed early and she was like well wat was diff bout last week then this week and all this bullshit!!!!!!! wtf really, becuase i dont wanna go but oh well i guess things will never change... i do think that when kayla moves we wont be as close. she sits there and talks about this girl and that girl and all this bullshit and i dont say anything and just let her talk about wat she did the night before and how this chick did this to her and that 1 is coming back and dont say anything but ass soon as i wanna tlak about wats going on its like a burden to her. and she has not been the dd in almost a year the last time she was the dd for me was my birthday and anytime i wanna go out she cant go to that place with out being drunk so that means that i haveta be the dd. i just dont know what to do
i feel like im losing my friends from home because im always down here and when i go home i dont have time to see every1 and i wanna spend time with my fam more than anything and i feel bad when i go out and mom and dad are at home alone and i come home to see them and then i regret the next day when mom hasta go to work and i dont getta see her, i just feel like i dont get to see them enough and im scared something is going to happen and im gunna loose them and i didnt get to spend enough time with them. i think alot of that comes from loosing mema and i still think i wasnt a good enough granddaughter to her. the main memory i have is being at her house taking care of her and i was on the comp and she picked up the fone and it kicked me off the comp and i got mad at her. it wasnt her fault she didnt know she wasnt herself she didnt know what was going on and i got so mad at her and yelled at her and just went back to my bedroom and got back on the comp. i hate that i cant remember anything else really and the vision of her i remember is laying in her bed not knowing who any of us were and not eating and slowly painfully dieing that was the hardest thing in my life, i had just turned 12. i still ahve the card that aunt linda got and mema signed, she didnt sign it mema she tried signing bonnie sadberry but it just looks like a bunch of scribbles, i thought it was scribbles when i 1st got it until aunt linda told me. i just want my mema back i want to do things over agian i want to be a better granddaughter and tell her i love her more and spend more time with her instead of being the bedroom on the computer and her all alone. that is where i learned to cook, in that house making dinner for her, those lil frozen viola meals, i didnt like the bland taste so i added spices and made it better, every weekend i was at her house from the time she got sick till she passed away and i still dont feel like i got enought time with her.
i hate the fact taht i cant loose weight at all and ive tried, working out, eating right and nothing happens. i know i look like shit and i feel like shit but i dont know wat to do. this stupid fibrocystic breast changes is the most painful thing i have ever had happen to me, i cant breathe when its in a bad time, i feel like there are a 100 knives stabbing me in the boobs down thru my ribs and into my lungs, it is the worst feeling ever. its worse in the morning and i dont know why or how to make it not hurt other than to take painkillers and they make me sick at my stomach or knock me out or make me delusional to wat is going on and i dont like any of those feelings, i dont like that i cant go to sleep at night because of the pain and i have to take sleeping pills or a painkiller that kick my ass and i cant get up the next morning. i already have 7 of 10 abscenses in my patho class..... great and its barely a month into the semester!
